Victoria DuBarry: The Anger Iceberg, Red Flags, and Grounding Tools

One of Victoria DuBarry's clients, a fifth grader, asks whether what she says in the room really stays between them, and not with mom and dad. Victoria says yes, as long as you are safe, and watches the girl's shoulders come down. That forty-five minutes may be the only part of the week that belongs to her.

Victoria DuBarry is a mental health therapist and a licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor with roughly a decade in the field, including years in substance use clinics before opening In-Balance Psychotherapy. She works virtually with clients in several states and sees people from about fifth grade upward, covering anxiety, OCD, ADHD, substance use and relationship issues including divorce and breakups. She is candid that she brings her own personality into the room rather than working as, in her words, a therapist robot.

She and Lisa start with something BTGO clients raise constantly, which is how you build trust with a new therapist after someone has spent years dismantling your trust in general. Victoria's answer is to give it a few sessions with no pressure to go deep, and to check in honestly at three or four about whether it is working. From there they move into how trauma follows a person emotionally and physically, why substance use so often sits on top of it, and what children absorb about relationships long before anyone thinks to teach them.

The practical middle covers stress versus anxiety and what shifted for a lot of people during the pandemic, then four coping tools: the five-four-three-two-one grounding exercise, learning your own anxiety well enough to name your triggers, a nightly brain dump for a racing mind, and two shock-the-senses techniques for a panic attack. The last stretch is relationships: the anger iceberg and what sits under it, the difference between being triggered and being defensive, and a run of dating red flags ending with the question Victoria thinks people should ask themselves on the days they are apart from the person.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• The anger iceberg: what usually sits underneath anger, and how to name it
• The difference between stress and anxiety, and when it stops being situational
• Four grounding tools you can use at any age, including a brain dump for a racing mind
• Two physical techniques for a panic attack, and why they are worth taking into a courthouse
• How to build trust with a new therapist when your trust has been worked over for years
• What a child hears when you tell them a conversation stays between you
• Why never arguing in front of your kids can leave them without conflict skills
• Dating red flags after an abusive relationship, and the question to ask on the days apart

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Meet Victoria, and building trust when trust has been broken
5:30 Working with kids, and what confidentiality means to them
7:00 How trauma follows you, emotionally and physically
10:00 Why trauma and addiction travel together
12:00 What love and a relationship actually are
15:00 The parents who never fought, and the skill their child never learned
18:30 Apologizing in front of your kids, and what being heard does
21:30 Stress vs. anxiety, and what changed after the pandemic
25:00 Four coping tools, including the ones for a panic attack
30:30 Activated vs. triggered, and the anger iceberg
37:30 Dating red flags, and how you feel when they aren't around

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Victoria DuBarry at In-Balance Psychotherapy on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/inbalancepsychotherapy/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.