Kevin Hoffkins: Writing a Parenting Plan an Ex Can't Exploit

Somewhere in the plan sits a holiday clause that reads "as the parties agree." A year later they agree on nothing, and two lawyers are billing to argue over a single word. Kevin L. Hoffkins has watched that happen for decades, and his fix is unglamorous: write it down, and write it specifically.

Kevin L. Hoffkins is a divorce and family law attorney based in Westport, Connecticut, where he has practiced for around 35 years, much of it in high-conflict custody and parenting-time disputes. He litigates the cases where two parents cannot be in the same room without a fight, and he argues that a lot of what sends them back to court traces to a plan built from a standard template with vague language left in.

Kevin and Lisa talk through how to close those gaps. A notice requirement that actually costs the other parent something when they cancel at the last minute. The difference between a fee clause a judge can decline to enforce and one written as "shall." Why a single late pickup usually is not worth a motion, and why a tamper-resistant parenting app matters once you are building a record. When persistent written disparagement can support a request for supervised time. And why an agreement the two of you negotiate tends to be far more specific than anything a judge will order from the bench.

They also cover religion in a parenting plan and the compromise Kevin reached in a Jehovah's Witness case, the family traditions worth naming that no judge would know to protect, and why he settles the parenting plan before the financial pieces when he takes on a divorce.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why vague words like "reasonable" get weaponized, and the specific language to use instead
• How to write real consequences into a plan: notice requirements and cost coverage when a parent no-shows
• "Shall" vs "may," and "actual" vs "reasonable" attorney's fees, and why the wording changes everything
• Why one missed exchange rarely justifies court, and how to build a documented pattern first
• Spelling out holidays, school breaks, birthdays, and traditions down to the day and hour
• Why you or your attorney should draft the first version of the plan, not the other side
• Handling religion, non-disparagement, and monitoring for written disparagement
• Why an agreement you negotiate usually beats a judge's order for specificity

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Why vague "gray language" sends parents back to court
3:00 What to tell your attorney about the other parent
5:00 Notice rules and cost consequences when a parent no-shows
7:00 One incident vs a pattern, documenting, and going back to court
11:00 Fee clauses: "shall" vs "may," "actual" vs "reasonable"
15:00 Religion, the Jehovah's Witness case, and non-disparagement
19:00 Written disparagement, monitoring, and therapy for the rejected parent
23:00 Spelling out pickups, holidays, and school breaks
29:00 Agreement vs court order, mediators, and who drafts first
33:00 Child-centered divorce and doing the parenting plan first

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Kevin L. Hoffkins at The Law Offices of Kevin L. Hoffkins: https://www.hoffkinslaw.com/
🔗 Kevin L. Hoffkins bio: https://www.hoffkinslaw.com/about/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.