Stacy Schaffer: The Shiny Kid, and a Comfort Kit for Two Houses

Stacy Schaffer works with the child nobody is worried about. She calls them shiny kids: succeeding, organized, often perfectionist, and carrying more than the sibling whose behavior is getting all the adult attention.

Stacy is a licensed professional counselor in Colorado, licensed in Texas as well, who specializes in grief work and in children caught in parental conflict. This conversation picks up mid-thread after a dropped connection, and it moves fast through the things she hears from kids that their parents never do.

First is money. Kids of divorce know what the case costs, and Stacy has children telling her they feel guilty for having an expensive interest, or deciding not to ask for anything at the holidays. In one family a parent brings up the legal bills whenever a chore goes undone. Then there is magical thinking, which is the reason a young child concludes the divorce is their fault. Believing something is wrong with them is easier than believing the adults have lost control of the world, and Stacy points to a children's book where a kid asks whether the divorce happened because of the chocolate pudding on the wall.

Her working principle is that if power is going to be taken from a child, she is going to find them some. That means talking about what they do control, which is their thoughts, their reactions, and how much of their own time they waste being miserable. One of her clients described being in the middle of a tug of war, and she asked him what it would be like not to pick up the rope. The tool she builds with them is a comfort kit, assembled around the five senses so it works in both houses and needs nobody's approval: scent, because it reaches the brain fastest, fabric swatches that kids reach for more than any purchased fidget, fidgets that make no noise rather than the ones that irritate a whole classroom, and notes written ahead of time by the parent they are away from. She closes on the child who dislikes one house, and why distraction counts as a coping skill when the countdown is the situation.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• The shiny kid: why the child performing well may be the one carrying more
• How much kids know about what the divorce is costing, and the guilt it creates
• Magical thinking, and why a young child concludes the divorce is their fault
• The tug-of-war reframe: what happens when a child does not pick up the rope
• How to build a comfort kit around the five senses that travels between houses
• Why scent works fastest, and why fabric beats the expensive fidgets
• What to tell a child counting down the days at a house they do not want to be in

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 The shiny kid: doing fine on the outside, struggling underneath
3:00 Kids who feel guilty about what the divorce is costing
4:00 Locus of control, and the child who would not pick up the rope
5:00 Magical thinking, and why kids decide it is their fault
7:00 Giving a child agency when they have almost none
8:00 Building a comfort kit around the five senses
10:00 Scent, texture, fidgets, and notes from the other house
14:00 The house they dislike, and distraction as a coping skill
16:00 Where to find Stacy

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Stacy Schaffer, MA, LPC: https://stacyschaffer.com/
🔗 Stacy Schaffer on Instagram (@hoperestored): https://www.instagram.com/hoperestored/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.