James Porfido: When Your Ex Weaponizes the Court System

James Porfido spent decades on both sides of a criminal courtroom, prosecuting cases and then defending them. What he saw over 35 years became a book about a system he believes has tilted out of balance.

James Porfido has practiced law for more than 35 years, starting as a certified criminal trial attorney in a New Jersey prosecutor's office and later moving to the defense side, where he handled sex crimes and child abuse cases. He is now of counsel at a large New Jersey firm, teaches advocacy and persuasion as an adjunct law professor, and has spent 25 years as a legal analyst commenting on high-profile cases. He is the author of "Unequal Justice: The Search for Truth, the Balance in the Scales."

In this conversation, James and Lisa focus on the theme that torments their audience: a court process that moves so slowly it becomes its own punishment, and an ex who exploits that. He explains New Jersey's lifetime restraining orders and the narrow path to dissolving one, why the "I'll just explain it to the judge" instinct fails, and how a parent can lose all contact with their children while an allegation, sometimes a coached or false one, sits unresolved for a year.

They also get practical. James is candid that these cases are a fight, and that the right attorney is one who knows the courthouse and its people, not only the statutes. He walks through the questions worth asking before you hire, and why "how much do you charge" should not be the first one. And he shares the harder argument from his book: that a restraining order is sometimes granted as a tactic to gain leverage, which pushes back the people with real injuries waiting at the back of the courtroom for the protection they actually need.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What New Jersey's lifetime restraining orders mean, and why they're so hard to dissolve
• Why "just telling the judge you didn't do it" is not how any of this works
• How the delay between a temporary and a final order can itself become a weapon
• What happens to a parent's contact with their kids while an allegation is pending
• How a coached allegation can flip a parent from presumed innocent to presumed guilty
• Why knowing the "players," not just the law, is what you want in an attorney
• The questions to ask before you hire, beyond "how much will this cost?"
• Why genuine abuse cases deserve priority over the ones weaponizing the system

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 What a legal analyst does, and trials as storytelling
5:00 From prosecutor to defense, with a grounding in DV cases
9:00 New Jersey's lifetime restraining orders, and how hard they are to undo
13:00 Why you can't just "tell the judge," and the side-of-the-road trap
15:00 When the delay itself becomes the weapon
17:00 Kids under a restraining order, and a parent becoming a stranger
19:00 False allegations, coached children, and being presumed guilty
21:00 Surviving the limbo, and an attorney who knows the players
25:00 The questions to ask before you hire (not "how much?")
29:00 Unequal Justice: when restraining orders get weaponized

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 James Porfido at Porfido Law: https://www.porfidolaw.com/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.