Julia Hochstadt: What to Do When Your Child Discloses Abuse

Julia Hochstadt has spent years listening to accounts that sound impossible, and she does not treat the implausibility as information. When a child discloses, her instruction to parents is to believe them and to say so explicitly, repeatedly, in those words. Fear of not being believed is one of the reasons people stay silent for decades.

Julia is a licensed clinical social worker practicing in New York and New Jersey, consulting and speaking nationally, and testifying as an expert witness on domestic violence, intimate partner violence, and sexual violence. She works with primary survivors and with secondary survivors, the family members and friends who are also carrying it. Her clinical practice starts around age fifteen, though many of her clients are parents of much younger children, which is where this conversation lives.

A large part of it is about trusting yourself. Julia points out that the parents in this audience have often spent years being told they are not smart, not capable, not a good parent, which is designed to erode exactly the instrument they now need. So when they notice a change in a child's mood, grades, friendships, or preferences, they second guess it. Her advice is to lean in rather than watch and wait, and to use whatever supports exist, including a teacher, a school counselor, or a pediatrician.

Then she gets concrete about safety planning for a child who has to go back because an order says so. She models it on fire safety: built in advance, practiced, and revisited a couple of times a year as the school year, sports seasons, and vacations change, rather than assembled during an emergency. Devices and who a child would call. Which neighbor, and the backup for when that neighbor is away. What to do if a parent is unresponsive or making threats. She wants children brought into the planning at whatever level fits them, because they know their own routine better than the adults do. Julia also responds to a case where the reports went nowhere, a forced reunification arrangement is making a child worse, and the protective parent is being labeled an alienator for objecting. She talks about what the research says about a believing, supporting parent, why staying is sometimes the safety decision rather than a failure, and why not every attorney or clinician is equipped for these dynamics.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What to do in the first minutes after a child discloses, and the words to say out loud
• Why an unbelievable-sounding account is not a reason to doubt a child
• How to trust your instincts after years of being told your judgment is wrong
• Signs worth leaning into: mood, grades, friendships, and changes in preferences
• Safety planning for a child the court still sends back, built like a fire drill
• What a plan covers: devices, which neighbor, times of day, and the backups
• Why bringing your child into the planning produces a better plan
• Why not every attorney or therapist understands these dynamics well enough

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 The one thing not to do when a child discloses
3:00 Believing the unbelievable, and saying "I believe you" out loud
5:00 Julia's background: primary and secondary survivors
7:00 Signs something is wrong, and trusting a gut that has been eroded
11:00 Who to reach out to when you feel you have no support at all
13:00 Safety planning when the order says the child goes back
17:00 What a plan covers, and revisiting it like a fire drill
23:00 When the system fails, and a forced reunification makes things worse
27:00 What a believing parent's support does for a child's trajectory
31:00 What to say to a child you still have to hand over
37:00 Why "just leave" is not the right answer for everyone

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Julia Hochstadt, LCSW: https://www.therapywithjulia.com/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.