Ian Steinberg: Making Mediation Work With a High-Conflict Ex

Two parents cannot sit across a table without it turning into a fight, so the mediation moves onto Zoom. Each one waits in a separate breakout room while the attorneys shuttle between them, trading a religious holiday here for an extra week of summer there, until an agreement takes shape without the two of them ever having to look at each other.

Ian Steinberg practices matrimonial and family law in New York City, where his firm handles divorce across the city, Westchester, and Long Island. He is also a friend of Chris and Lisa's, returning for a second conversation. His first career was in real estate litigation, which taught him how a courtroom actually behaves; he later trained in mediation and collaborative law, convinced there was a less destructive path through a divorce. He traces his feel for conflict resolution back further than that, to refereeing adult-league hockey as a teenager, holding the whistle as the youngest person on the ice.

Ian lays out how mediation works when one side holds far more of the power. In its classic form, two parties meet with a single neutral mediator and each consults a private attorney between sessions, so no decision binds anyone until it is written down and signed. He explains why a retired judge sitting as mediator can rein in a parent who is used to getting their way, and how separate rooms, in person or over video, keep a frightened party from having to negotiate across from someone who frightens them. He also makes the case for what mediation saves: money that would otherwise go to motion practice, and the momentum that comes from shrinking ten open issues down to two.

For anyone walking into a first session scared, Ian offers a plan: prepare with your lawyer and your divorce coach, name the triggers you already know your ex will use, and write down every ask in advance. Above all, you are never required to say yes in the room, and a good lawyer will not corner you into it. He is equally clear about the cases where the power imbalance is too great or the conflict too raw, and mediation should not go forward at all.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why mediation can still work in a domestic violence case, but only with firm guardrails in place
• The difference between classic mediation and attorney-guided mediation, and when each one fits
• How a retired judge serving as mediator can shift a lopsided power dynamic
• What a consulting attorney does, and why nothing is binding until it is on paper
• How separate rooms and Zoom breakout rooms keep a frightened party from facing their ex
• How to prepare: your written asks, your known triggers, and the professionals around you
• Why you never have to agree on the spot, even when your own lawyer is pushing to close
• The signs that mediation should stop, or was never the right fit for your case

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Welcoming Ian back, and what litigation costs you
3:00 Learning conflict resolution as a teenage hockey referee
5:00 When family court does not protect the target
7:00 Two kinds of mediation, and the consulting attorney outside the room
11:00 Retired judges as mediators, and shifting a power imbalance
13:00 Lisa's own mediation, and the momentum of small agreements
17:00 Zoom breakout rooms and four-way conferences for safety
21:00 Preparing a scared client: asks, triggers, and support
25:00 Not getting pressured to settle, and informed consent
27:00 When mediation should stop or was never the right fit

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Ian Steinberg at Berkman Bottger Newman & Schein: https://www.berkbot.com/attorneys/ian-steinberg/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.