Religious Abuse & Parental Alienation: How Faith Gets Weaponized in a High-Conflict Divorce

What happens when your ex doesn’t just badmouth you to the kids, but tells them God is on their side? In this episode, Lisa talks with interfaith minister and trauma-informed therapist Sherri Heller about one of the most under-recognized weapons in a high-conflict divorce: faith itself.

When a marriage involving a high-control religious system breaks down, the parent who leaves is rarely treated as someone making a healthy choice. They’re cast as the one who “deviated,” the one who is “morally depraved,” the one the children must be protected from. Sherri explains exactly how this plays out as parental alienation and why family courts so often miss it, pushing for reconciliation “at any cost” while the smear campaign hides in plain sight behind a veneer of virtue.

If you’ve heard your own child repeat phrases that don’t sound like them, like one parent in this episode, whose child said she should be talking to “good Christians, not bad divorced people,” you’ve seen what Sherri calls borrowed scenarios and abuse by proxy: the child used as a vessel to carry the alienating parent’s message. She and Lisa talk through what to actually do in that moment, why opposing the indoctrination head-on backfires, and how to find the “middle ground” and the “way in” instead.

You’ll also hear Sherri’s candid take on a hard truth we teach our own clients: in a system that won’t recognize this abuse, you have to learn to play the game. Stay tactical. Gray rock. Build leverage so you’re not completely cut off from your child, and plant seeds quietly (through nature, literature, science, and critical thinking) that give your kids room to find their own autonomy as they grow, especially in adolescence when the contradictions start to surface.

Sherri and Lisa also talk about where to put your energy instead of into endless arguments. At Been There Got Out we teach our clients to look for the “universal agreements,” the handful of things both parents claim to want, like a child who is healthy, happy, and well cared for. Anchoring your communication there keeps you on the high ground, gives a watching judge a clear contrast between your behavior and your ex’s, and quietly removes the conflict your ex is fishing for. Sherri’s clinical framing of why opposition feeds the narcissist lines up exactly with the strategic communication we coach every day.

There’s also real hope in this episode. Sherri reminds protective parents that the very contradictions an alienating parent creates tend to surface on their own, especially in adolescence, when the pressure of living inside someone else’s story starts to produce its own symptoms. The seeds you plant now, quietly and consistently, are often what your child reaches for later when they begin to question. Your steadiness is the long game.

This is essential viewing if you’re navigating custody where religion, a controlling community, or a “messianic” ex is part of the picture. It pairs directly with our book “When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You” and our work on strategic communication.

About our guest: Sherri Heller is an interfaith minister and trauma-informed therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse and complex trauma recovery, and a survivor herself.

⏱ CHAPTERS / TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Welcome — a topic we rarely cover
00:52 What is spiritual & religious abuse?
02:12 Meet Sherri Heller: minister & trauma-informed therapist
03:40 Common misconceptions (it’s not just isolated sects)
06:02 How love bombing opens the door
08:17 When the community sanctions the abuse
09:44 A survivor robbed of her future
11:23 Rigid rules: controlled marriages & forced isolation
13:31 Narrowing it to the family system
14:17 Red flags: cognitive dissonance & the absence of humility
17:47 Covert vs. overt: ontological gaslighting
18:48 Triangulating with the divine & prosocial camouflage
20:34 Grooming children into martyrs
24:49 Divorce, leaving the faith & parental alienation
25:51 Learning to “play the game” in family court
28:49 Borrowed scenarios & abuse by proxy
29:36 Finding the middle ground with an alienated child
31:34 When (and how) to tell kids a parent is mentally ill
33:32 Getting out: reclaiming yourself
35:27 Gray rocking, planting seeds & the adolescent awakening
37:21 Where to find Sherri Heller
37:53 Closing thoughts

WHO WE ARE: Been There Got Out helps protective parents survive high-conflict divorce, custody battles, and parental alienation. Lisa Johnson and Chris Barry teach the strategy that attorneys often don’t — how to communicate, document, and present your case while protecting your relationship with your kids. We’ve been there. We got out. We’ll help you do the same.

→ Struggling with alienation right now? Book a free 30-minute discovery call: https://btgo.as.me/?appointmentType=24686877
→ Get the book “When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You”: https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Got-Out-Against/dp/1967674183/

Find Sherri Heller: https://sheritherapist.com/index.html

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